America's smokers have, universally, developed a new way of smoking. You see it everywhere, and the Old Ways have been forgotten. Now, when smokers exhale their billowy vapors, they stick out their lower lip and send a jet of smoke straight up in the air, almost as if they are afraid of offending non-smokers and they think they can minimize the affront by not letting the smoke gain any forward momentum for more than an inch or two beyond their face. No doubt, this is a response to all the grief we have been giving them about their "second-hand smoke." No doubt, this is a largely unconscious response to the growing social disapproval of smoking. But it makes smoking look so furtive. So guilty. So lacking in style.

In the Old Ways, smoking was different. Remember when smokers took deep drags on their demon weeds then exhaled huge blankets of smoke. Some would blow the smoke out of their nose. Some would send it out their nose and mouth at the same time, a kind of elegant demonstration of the patterns and power of the breath. Remember the smokers who liked to take a deep drag and then begin talking as the smoke huffed and puffed out with each word? Wasn't that mildly amusing? And blowing smoke rings. And just generally making a stylish display of the art and vanities of smoking. Because part of the appeal of smoking, recall, was the stylishness surrounding it. That was it initial appeal to many young and impressionable new smokers (before the addiction to nicotine tightened its noose around their will). Alas, all of this is gone. There is no more class and elegance, no pretense to style. Just a junkie in search of their angry fix. Too bad.

Now I'm not necessarily complaining about this change in smoker's etiquette, you understand. For the most part this is fine by me. I definitely prefer not to breath second-hand tobacco smoke. And even though blowing the smoke straight-up rather than out is probably more a gesture than a genuine cleansing of my air, still, I appreciate the gesture. And believe me, I understand very well how obnoxious all this tobacco smoke really is. I am definitely one of those delicate types who is seriously affected by second-hand smoke. In fact, I'm allergic to lots of stuff besides smoke. Once, while living in Los Angeles, I was tested for allergies. I was exposed to 50 different varieties of pollens--tree pollens, grass pollens, weed pollens, you name it--indigenous to Southern California. I still remember the amazement with which the doctor announced to me that I tested highly-allergic to 49 of the 50. He said I had the record in all his experience. Although he thought I would be pleased to know I am not allergic to the pollen of the Boxelder Tree. I was, somewhat. And if I ever find a Boxelder Tree I shall hug it like no tree-hugger has ever hugged a tree before!

But tobacco smoke, that's another matter. I don't know how many varieties there are, but I'm sure I'm allergic to all of them. So it's just as well that smokers feel obliged to purse their lower lips when exhaling in my vicinity. But what puzzles me is how all of a sudden they all learned to do this. I don't think anyone offered mass-indoctrination classes. I've never seen any instruction on this topic on T.V.--not even on the more obscure cable channels. And although I haven't checked lately, I don't believe that cigarette packages come with little diagrams on the back showing smokers the new, socially approved, way to exhale. So how does this happen? What great unspoken mass instruction takes place, virtually overnight, and unnoticed by all concerned? Do the tobacco companies insert subliminal messages in their advertising? Does Miss Manners write a column and the word is spread, pursed lip to pursed lip, in the dark recesses of the Smoking Section. Maybe that's what goes on in those Smoking Sections! Maybe they're all attending secret classes in smoking etiquette. That must be it! There's no other possible explanation.

Well, however you guys accomplished it, I'm glad. I thank you one and all. I want you to know that I appreciate the gesture. But I have to tell you, I miss the style and the variety of the Old Ways. And, to tell you the truth, friend to friend, you look silly as hell blowing all that smoke straight up into the air!