Pot Shards
All Talk is Cheap in Cyberspace
Talk may have always been cheap, but with the advent of the Internet, email and blogs, it has become exponentially cheaper. It is cheaper in at least two ways: there is more blather than ever, and it is inescapable; and, even worse, truly fine and creative writing is lost in the sea of words that streams endlessly through cyberspace.
When writing had to be committed to paper, and printed at great trouble and expense, fine writing was precious. Today, if there were another Fitzgerald or Hemingway among us his prose would become lost in the cyberslush, here today and gone in tomorrow’s never-ending blogstream. And even though in some sense everything published in cyberspace is preserved somewhere, that is precisely the problem. EVERYTHING is preserved somewhere. So the great works of contemporary literature, if there be any in electronic form, are available in pretty much the same way that a particular grain of sand is available on the beach.
It all makes one long for the good old days, when talk was merely cheap.
Conservation of Suffering
I believe there is a previously undiscovered principle of physics which I have christened the Principle of Universal Conservation of Suffering (PUCS).
PUCS holds that the quantity of suffering in the universe is a constant. Consequently, whenever anyone gives up some suffering, someone else must take it on. Conversely, if someone somewhere takes on some suffering, someone somewhere is freed.
So whenever anyone tells me to have a nice day, I adamantly refuse, on principle, because I don't wish to inflict a needless suffering on someone else. And when I am having a particularly low and lousy day, I take comfort from the fact that I am doing my bit to brighten someone else's life.
A more generous universal principle is unlikely ever to be found.
The Parking Lot Conundrum
No matter how big the parking lot, when you want to get in/out of your car, the person parked right next to you will be trying to get in/out of theirs.
(Actually, I am convinced there is a sound sociological explanation for this perplexing phenomenon. Consider: When you arrived at the parking lot you parked in the area where space was available. The same will be true for other people who arrive at the same time you do--and it will be the same area for both of you. Then if you both spend an average amount of time shopping or whatever, you will likely be leaving at the same time as well. Which means that wherever you go, there will always be someone rubbing up against you when you arrive or leave. Inevitably, as a law of nature. Nature arranges for there to always be this annoying shadow person arriving and leaving whenever you arrive or leave. You are joined by the forces of nature, he is your anti-matter twin, and it's the same guy--he just wears disguises. Makes sense to me.)
Runaway Metaphors
I pulled up at a stop-light today behind a big red Ford Explorer, which had
a little red bumper sticker on its rear bumper, whose black and white text proclaimed: “My Family is Covered with the Blood of Jesus.”
Wow. That's some announcement. Perhaps we can reconstruct what this blood-drenched family was trying to say. They were trying to express their deeply-felt religious piety. But look at what they were actually saying. Metaphors are funny things. Sometimes they can get away from us.
Perhaps the moral of the story here is that self-expressions of piety are best constructed in a medium less limiting than a bumper sticker. Or perhaps, even, that such self-expressions are best left to one’s private thoughts rather than to one’s public spaces.
The Law of Ludicrous Notions
There is nothing so ridiculous that someone will not assert it as a self-evident truth.
COROLLARY: There is no truth so sublime that it cannot be overlooked.
This Is Only A Test
It's a sinister thing about smoke detectors: When the battery gets low they emit shrill warning beeps every few minutes. The manufacturers design them such that this procedure always commences at 3 a.m., jarring everyone out of a sound sleep and sending the entire household scurrying about in the dark in search of a battery. I firmly believe the manufacturers do this deliberately, for roughly the same reasons that other people shake hands with joy buzzers.
Someone should look into this.
Advanced Bed Concepts
Am I the only one who wonders what they could possibly sell at a store named 'Advanced Bed Concepts?'
Heard them advertised on the radio the other day. Desperately wanted to call and ask them: "Say, are these the Platonic Ideals you got there, or just some knock-off instantiations?"
They would probably fail to see the humor.
The Law of Receding Hairlines
The less hair a man has, the more time it takes him to comb it.
The Second Law of Mechanical Dispensing
All automatic ice-cube dispensers have only two settings: not enough, and way too much.
Larry's Law of Libraries
No matter how many books there are in the library, the one you are looking for will be missing from the shelf.
The Power of Positive Thinking
Anyone who does not have a large measure of self-doubt isn't paying attention.
The Null Set
People around here don't know how to drive in this kind of weather.
Said by everyone, everywhere, in all kinds of weather, about their neighbors.
From which we are entitled to conclude that no one anywhere knows how to drive in this kind of weather.
Which stops no one anywhere from believing they know the trick perfectly well.
Time
Time doesn't march on, it pillages.
Edges
All boundaries are devices-of-convenience.
Everything is permeable.
Everybody Has One
Opinions are like assholes--everybody has one.
And, generally, the bigger the asshole, the more opinions.
White Male
Poor, poor, pitiful me,
lowly white male I be.
Reviled by most,
despised by some.
If I'm so privileged,
why am I having so little fun?
Sex
Men engage in sex to reaffirm their vitality.
Women engage in sex to reaffirm their self-worth.
Both really long only for intimacy.
Is it any wonder it so rarely works out?
Abuse
Men beat women with their fists, and women beat men with their tongues.
Neither form of abuse is more noble than the other.
Pivot
The heart is the pivot.
Open this door and all, above and below,
Softens.
Dry Heart
All suffering in the universe comes from a dry heart.
If your heart is moist, nothing that can happen will be experienced as suffering.
Karma
Karma = When you create shit in the universe you will step in it later on.
This Explains A Lot
British astronomers recently discovered that the universe contains huge slushy reservoirs of pure alcohol. In one single star birthing-ground they found enough gaseous ethyl alcohol to make 400 trillion trillion pints of beer. Presumably, such colossal vats of booze are everywhere throughout the universe.
So now we know. God is not mad. Nor dead. Just drunk.
This explains a lot.
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